The Pursuit

I was doing a couples therapy session when the wife sincerely said to her husband, “I want you to pursue me.” Yes, got it, I thought to myself, we all want to be pursued by our partners. The next day I started thinking about them. I realized that they were both looking to be pursued. She wanted connection, he wanted to feel heard. They both wanted the other to “pursue” these things. Something just felt OFF to me about this. Why is it the other persons responsibility to pursue what their partner needs? Wouldn’t it make more sense that the one who wants connection pursue connection and the one who wants to feel heard make that happen? Of course there is something to say for knowing your partners needs and making an effort to communicate love in a way they can feel (aka…the popular book “The Five Love Languages”).

Then I thought of the movie “The Pursuit of Happyness”, which I love. That man fought like a warrior for the life he had. He certainly pursued and persevered. He had GRIT. I respect grit, we all do. It is the American Dream lived. But huh…something still didn’t feel right. 

I have this thing in my bathroom that has different inspiring quotes on it. When I remember, I flip to a new one.  That same day I did so, and this was the quote… 

First I was freaked out because I had spent most of the day thinking about the word “pursuit” and here it was.  THIS, this quote made sense to me. YES! So then I looked up the definition. Pursuit: the action of following or pursuing someone or something. The synonyms are: hunting, inquiry, following, stalking, tracking and reaching. Ummmmm, yeah, that does NOT sound like something I want to do or be done to me.  

So what would happen if we stopped pursing or expecting others to pursue us? Would it be total anarchy? Would everyone just become lazy and careless in their life, jobs and relationships? 

Recently when my daughter was angry, she screamed some very unkind words and ran out of the house. She disappeared into the woods behind our house for at least a 1/2 hour (I should also mention she left the house equipped with a backpack full of snacks and wearing her aunts high heels).  When she returned she cried, “I thought you were going to follow me Mama, I even made sure I left tracks, why didn’t you follow me?” Her question pulled my heart strings BUT, I believe in being accountable for our own feelings and behaviors. I responded with, “Honey, when you scream and yell at me I feel hurt. I will always love you no matter what, but you are in charge of how you act, even when you are angry. I am in charge of taking care of myself when I feel hurt. We love each other no matter what, but I thought you might need some time to think and calm down. I will not chase you out of the house when you leave yelling at me, but I will always be here with a hug when you get back.” Ha, ok, I probably didn’t respond exactly like that, in my fantasy parent world I did. It was something along those lines, only far less eloquent. In her 7 year old way she shrugged and moved on with her day.  

I didn’t know it, but in that moment, I think I was teaching that SHE is in charge of her own happiness and it doesn’t come from things, accomplishments or others. It comes from herself. What I know is that our culture is on a merry-go-round of pursuit. We all feel that we need to do, have or be something to be enough or to be truly “happy”. We pursue happiness like it is something we can buy. As we all eventually learn, it's not. It may be easier for us to just BE HAPPY. Maybe instead of asking others to do things to “make” us happy we can just BE HAPPY.  What would the world look like then?