Learn to Swim
I find value in having a positive outlook on the world, situations and people. Positivity can help us foster resilience and adapt when needed. I do not find it helpful when people make suggestions like, “just be positive” or “just look for the positive in the situation.” Being positive has a lot more to do with our genetics than most realize. People are born with an innate tendency towards either positivity or negativity. It is usually those that have a glass-half-full brain who are the ones to say, “just be more positive.”
In my office lately, I have heard phases like, “I just hate everything” or “it is just a treadmill” or “what is the point?” I completely understand. This has been a tough year…period.
My grandpa lost his left arm and half of his shoulder when he was seven. A year later his mother dropped him off at a YMCA camp and told him he wasn’t allowed to come home until he learned to swim. He didn’t make it home that summer. She sent him back the next summer with the same directive. That was the summer he learned to swim.
I have heard this story many times throughout my life. In fact, at my grandpa’s 70th birthday party the lifeguard who taught him how to swim gave a moving speech. Every time I think or hear the story, I have a visceral reaction. It is enough to give me nightmares. I am not in any way suggesting that we should mirror what my great-grandmother did. Children benefit from having a secure and safe relationship with their parents. I feel the pain of the little boy. The boy who had been in the hospital for months, who had to relearn how to do everything. He was physically different and insecure, then he was alone. His mother left him alone. I once asked my grandpa about how hard it was for him, to be left alone, and his reply was, “I think it was much harder for my mother.” Maybe she was onto something.
Today, I’m not addressing attachment or empathetic parenting. I am addressing the fact that right now, life is hard. Even for those glass-half-fuller’s, being positive can seem challenging in the current environment. My great-grandmother did not command that he “have fun.” She told him he needed to accomplish a goal. His mission was to learn to swim. She gave no “f’s” if he had fun while doing so. I am certain that no one said to my Grandpa to “be positive” when he was struggling. He was in a shit situation…period. Nevertheless, he needed to learn to swim. I would also guess that he didn’t have the expectation that the summer would be full of fun. The expectation was clear…swim. My grandpa went on to swim the Straits of Mackinac. He played the piano and college football. He loves golf and skiing. What would have happened if he had given up when things got hard, if he expected and required that life be what he wanted it to be? What if he had focused on things being fair?
I feel this story is valid and important right now. College kids have moved into a social distanced environment without the ability to have the “college experience” they were promised. Mom’s and dad’s everywhere are juggling schooling, working and living in their homes. We have all been confined and isolated for months. People are ready to dehumanize and demoralize because of their political agendas. Pandemic, politics, prejudice, wildfires, 2020!
This has been one hell of a year. Yes. If we are doing our job right as parents, our goal is not for our kids to have fun or be happy. Our goal is that our kids learn to swim. Our goal as adults is that we learn to swim. We aren’t always going to like doing it. We need to define what our “swim” is and how we are going to accomplish meeting that goal. We need to stumble around and figure it out. It is not pretty, and it is not going to be pretty. That is ok. Let’s learn to swim together.
Nurture, Grow & Love,
Lauren
I recognize that there are situations where it is not acceptable to put our noses down and focus on accomplishing a goal. There are times when we need to be loud and fight for justice and fairness. Today, I am focusing not on iniquitous behaviors of individuals or groups, but on a wave of weariness I have witnessed in my office as of late.