Corona and Gen-Z
Remember when your 4 year-old climbed all over you and wanted to be with you ALL THE TIME? Ten years later that same person spends most of the time in his or her room with the door closed. Ever see a group of teenage girls walking who look like they are moving as one, but you can’t get within 3 feet without her rolling her eyes and moving away? Yes, this is what happens. As humans get older they start relying on their parents far less and their peers more. This is good! This is how you don’t have them living in your basement when they’re 40. So what happens when they are forced away from their friends for weeks, or maybe even months?
Here is the thing, research shows that teens and young adults actually need their peers when faced with stress. Not want, NEED. While this pandemic is hard for everyone, it is impacting teens in different ways. Gone are the days of 24/7 hands on parenting. Your teen is independent and frankly, doesn’t want to be around you all that much anyway. If your person is college-aged they weren’t planning on being home for months. They have gotten used to being on their own and living with their friends. If your lucky you can get them to come to the dinner table and actually have a conversation. This is absolutely normal and okay in every day life.
This is clearly not every day life. So how do you handle quarantine with your teen or college aged kid? How do you help them become resilient during a pandemic?
1. Give them space
This is a very difficult adjustment for everyone, but especially teens. It is possible that you are quarantined with all your favorite people, your partner and your kids (and yeah, your going to get sick of each other, but still). Not your young adult though. They just lost physical contact with their people for what will feel like a really long time (ok, yeah, they can FaceTime, but it’s not the same).
They need some space, and likely a whole lot of grace to process this big change. Your teen may be extra snappy and now may not be the time to teach respect. Just let the moodiness roll off your back. Offer privacy and if they say they don’t want to watch a family movie, give them a break. If they sleep until 1PM, it is okay.
2. Not too much space
They may not say it, but deep down you are still one of their favorite people. Make sure you are connecting every day. Using food is always a good way to lure them in. Ensure that it is not just time spent recapping the news and talking about the virus. Allow them to talk and and really listen. Being present for them is the best gift you can give right now.
Movie nights, game nights, ice cream at noon and cooking are all good ways to spend time together. What else are you doing to connect? How are you finding the balance between giving space and love?
3. Media consumption
The average teen, sans pandemic, spends 7hrs. 22mins on their phone A DAY. How much screen time are they clocking now? Likely more than that. What are they consuming? It would be a good idea for you to know, or at least have an idea.
First you need to set a good example yourself. If you are glued to your phone, or have the TV on all day, consider trying to curb your habit. Talk to your teen about screen time and how it is not good for them to be on TikToc for 8 hours. The connection between social media use and anxiety has been researched. The consensus is, the more you use, the more symptoms of anxiety and depression you have.
4. Help them with some structure
School offers built in structure to daily life. Your teen just lost his or her routine. While it may not be helpful for you to try and micromanage your teen, maybe you sit down and ask them how you can help. What things do they want to do everyday? Make a list. Would they benefit from you providing some ideas? If they say “no”, that is okay, role model doing it yourself and it will filter down to them. Remember that they do not as you say, but as you do.
5. Get out and move
Exercise is one of the best ways we have to deal with stress and anxiety. Not only is your teen not used to being isolated, but also not laying on his or her bed all day. If you can, encourage your teen to get outside every day. Better yet, try and help them establish an exercise routine. It doesn’t have to be more than going for a walk. If they are resistant, don't try to force it, but role model. Say a few times, extra loud, how much better you feel after you have worked out. Offer to go for a walk. Make it a challenge or create a game. Do a young adult version of an outdoor scavenger hunt. What are you doing to get out and move?
They may be the same size or taller, but your teen is still a kid on the inside. The human brain isn't developed until around age 25. Your big kid still looks to you to gauge how they should be reacting to this. This is a lot to process. They are likely grieving a big loss. Encourage them to connect with their friends as much as possible. Maybe even arrange or suggest a drive-by. They want you to be in charge, to keep them safe and know how to handle this. You got this! This is how you REAR RESILIENCE!
